Read my published humor and satire articles:

McSweeney's 

And On The Twelfth Day Of The Seventh Month, Thou Shalt Observe An Amazon Prime Day


We Are Sending An Obscene Amount Of Stuff Home With Your Child On The Last Day Of School

Points In Case

Once I Uncurl Your Tresses, You Will Be the Prettiest Maiden in the Land

Yes, I Replaced the Portico Columns with Colossal Pencils in Preparation for the First Day of School Photoshoot

Neighbor, I See Your Little Watering Hose and Raise You This Mighty Power-Washing Wand


Slackjaw

Fictional Villains Leave Instacart Instructions For Their Shoppers


We Don’t Care How Shady This Airbnb Listing Is, We Just Need A Place To Crash This Holiday Weekend

Van Gogh Applies To Teach Arts & Crafts At His Local Preschool

10 Fancy Breakfasts For Busy Moms On Mother’s Day


15 Perfectly Good Reasons You Had For “Poking The Bear”


I’m Setting Up A Sick Nacho Grazing Table For My Super Bowl Party And You’re Invited To Partake Of My Bounty

Google Results For When You Type “DuckDuckGo” Into The Search Bar

Son, For Christmas, I’m Going To Teach You How To Become The Hot Wheels® Monster Trucks T-Rex Volcano Arena

Maslow’s Hierarchy Of Weed

We Apologize For The Lack Of Ghosts On Our Walking Ghost Tour​

Celebrity Showering Algorithm Chart

Hemingway On Summer Homework

Blazing Hookup And Other Roller Coasters To Ride This Summer


The Belladonna

Daily Itinerary of Miss Havisham on Valentine’s Day

There’s Nothing Wrong With Me Showing Up Sick As A Dog Because This Isn’t Covid

We Only Posed With Guns In Our Christmas Photo Because Our Matching Pajamas Shrunk In The Wash

It’s Not a Serious Crime to Buy a Fake Vaccine Card from Me, Harry Wormwood

Look Out For My College Application Arriving Via Homing Pigeon

And Then It Came To Pass, In The Midst Of The Flood, That The Lord Said To Noah; The Rent Is Now Due

I, Your Neighbor, Rescind My Open Invitation to Join Us for a Barbecue: Do Not Come


Weekly Humorist

The Book of Exodus Amended to Include Laxatives


12 Festive Ways To Fire A Whole Bunch Of Employees Right Before Christmas


Everything On This Thanksgiving Table Is Made From Goldfish® Crackers

Debuting on Broadband: The Book of Zuckerberg


Robot Butt

I, Luke Skywalker, Stand Squarely Behind My Decision to Pull the Jedi Out of Coruscant as Your Planet Is Overtaken by the Empire

We Will Only Grant Your Missing Daughter a News Segment If She Magically Turns Into a Lobster After Spending Time in the Sun


Jane Austen's Wastebasket

Edgar Allan Poe’s The Bells of Amazon

I, the Brilliant Henry David Thoreau, Am Attempting to Build a House on Walden Pond Today


The Daily Drunk

I’m a termite, you’re a cicada, and I’m going to acquire you because you’re encroaching on my territory

I‘m Ashley Olsen and FYI, fools: I wasn’t carrying a machete. It was a bag from my elite fashion line, The Row


Little Old Lady Comedy

Dorothy, We Are Unable To Approve Your Request To Continue Working From Oz

Limited Series: Andrew Zimmern’s Bizarre Foods Made Possible By Asshole Pet Owners


Greener Pastures

Aesop Presents: A Donkey, an Elephant, and a Manchin

Frazzled

Danny Tanner’s Warm, Fuzzy Messages For Mischievous Toddlers

Our Family’s Dreidel Game Is Nothing Like Squid Game

A Geriatric Millennial Journals Her Geriatric Pregnancy

Children, Please Join Me for a Press Conference Regarding Tonight’s Dinner


2 Ho Ho Hos (Seasonal Holiday Satire)

I, Joe Manchin, Have Tried Everything Humanly Possible To Understand Why I Should Support A Better Health Care System For Your Grandma Right Before Christmas