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Read my published humor and satire articles:

McSweeney's Internet Tendency

And the Lord said, "Let there be Birkenstocks." 

It Was Hard To Start This New Business With The Millions I Made From My Previous Business

Are You There God? It's Me, Moses

Marie Kondo Edits Her Best Seller--The Life-Changing Magic Of (Tidying Up) Having Kids

Are You Watching Election Night Coverage Or Preparing For A Colonoscopy? 

What We Can And Can't Confirm About Your Upcoming Flight 

And On The Twelfth Day Of The Seventh Month, Thou Shalt Observe An Amazon Prime Day

We Are Sending An Obscene Amount Of Stuff Home With Your Child On The Last Day Of School

Points In Case 

I'm looking for a whole lot of specific recommendations from this local Facebook group

Judah Maccabee, M.D.--No, Not That Maccabee

Join My WhatsApp Group For Unnecessary Updates On Our Kids' School Bus Route

So I Hear You Know Photoshop

Once I Uncurl Your Tresses, You Will Be the Prettiest Maiden in the Land

Yes, I Replaced the Portico Columns with Colossal Pencils in Preparation for the First Day of School Photoshoot

Neighbor, I See Your Little Watering Hose and Raise You This Mighty Power-Washing Wand


Can I Borrow All Your Streaming Passwords Temporarily, Forever?

My Summer Of Extreme Outdoor Entertaining Begins Now

I’m Waiting For This Oozing Pimple To Get Even More Infected So I Can Go Viral

I’m Planning You The Best Mother’s Day Ever, But I Need You To Be Super Involved

WeightWatchers® Introduces PersonalPassoverPoints® Which GuaranteesConfusion® For OneWeekPlus®

Hemingway’s The Snows Of Kilimanjaro During Peak Ski Season

Welcome to our very accepting gym where you will only feel comfortable if you are already in shape

We’re Coming For Christmas And We Just Have A Few Small Requests

The Perfect Time To Recount My Daughter’s Birth Story In Gory Detail Is While You’re Racing Against The Clock Trying To Stuff A Turkey

Hemingway’s Mr. & Mrs. Elliot Try To Conceive While Vacationing In The Bahamas

Fictional Villains Leave Instacart Instructions For Their Shoppers

We Don’t Care How Shady This Airbnb Listing Is, We Just Need A Place To Crash This Holiday Weekend

Van Gogh Applies To Teach Arts & Crafts At His Local Preschool

10 Fancy Breakfasts For Busy Moms On Mother’s Day

15 Perfectly Good Reasons You Had For “Poking The Bear”

I’m Setting Up A Sick Nacho Grazing Table For My Super Bowl Party And You’re Invited To Partake Of My Bounty

Google Results For When You Type “DuckDuckGo” Into The Search Bar

Son, For Christmas, I’m Going To Teach You How To Become The Hot Wheels® Monster Trucks T-Rex Volcano Arena

Maslow’s Hierarchy Of Weed

We Apologize For The Lack Of Ghosts On Our Walking Ghost Tour​

Celebrity Showering Algorithm Chart

Hemingway On Summer Homework

Blazing Hookup And Other Roller Coasters To Ride This Summer

The Belladonna

Thoreau on Building Barbie’s Dreamhouse

Dr. Seuss’s Oh! The Places You’ll Go With A Newborn! (Illustrations by Marissa Maciel) 

Unlike Your Bank, Our Sleep Number Mattress Promises to Keep Your Money Extra Firm, Extra Cool, and Extra Safe Forever

Daily Itinerary of Miss Havisham on Valentine’s Day

There’s Nothing Wrong With Me Showing Up Sick As A Dog Because This Isn’t Covid

We Only Posed With Guns In Our Christmas Photo Because Our Matching Pajamas Shrunk In The Wash

It’s Not a Serious Crime to Buy a Fake Vaccine Card from Me, Harry Wormwood

Look Out For My College Application Arriving Via Homing Pigeon

And Then It Came To Pass, In The Midst Of The Flood, That The Lord Said To Noah; The Rent Is Now Due

I, Your Neighbor, Rescind My Open Invitation to Join Us for a Barbecue: Do Not Come

Weekly Humorist

Benjamin Moore Paint Palettes Used In The Making Of The Over-The-Top Barbie Movie

The State of the All-American Hot Dog

We at the EPA assure you this liquid is just a little spilled milk and it's nothing to cry over

I want a refund on this wedding photography package because all you did was focus on cats

How to Tell if You’re Lighting the Menorah or Gaslighting the Jewish People (cowritten)

I’m Bombarding You With Texts Before Election Day So You’ll Definitely Vote For Me

We Aren’t Coddling Our Gen Z Students, But They Think Your Class Is Too Hard, So You’re Fired

The Republican Emperors Hereby Present You With An Opportunity To Become Esteemed Gladiators

The Book of Exodus Amended to Include Laxatives

12 Festive Ways To Fire A Whole Bunch Of Employees Right Before Christmas

Everything On This Thanksgiving Table Is Made From Goldfish® Crackers

Debuting on Broadband: The Book of Zuckerberg 

Robot Butt

I, Luke Skywalker, Stand Squarely Behind My Decision to Pull the Jedi Out of Coruscant as Your Planet Is Overtaken by the Empire

We Will Only Grant Your Missing Daughter a News Segment If She Magically Turns Into a Lobster After Spending Time in the Sun

Jane Austen's Wastebasket

Edgar Allan Poe’s The Bells of Amazon

I, the Brilliant Henry David Thoreau, Am Attempting to Build a House on Walden Pond Today

The Daily Drunk

I’m a termite, you’re a cicada, and I’m going to acquire you because you’re encroaching on my territory

I‘m Ashley Olsen and FYI, fools: I wasn’t carrying a machete. It was a bag from my elite fashion line, The Row

Little Old Lady Comedy

Dorothy, We Are Unable To Approve Your Request To Continue Working From Oz

Limited Series: Andrew Zimmern’s Bizarre Foods Made Possible By Asshole Pet Owners

Greener Pastures

Aesop Presents: A Donkey, an Elephant, and a Manchin


Are You Driving Your Kid’s Carpool or Is the Earth Currently on Fire?

Are You a Parent Doing Homework With Your Kids or Are You a Stranded Character on Yellowjackets?

Mommy's driving an extra thirty miles just for the pleasure of curbside pickup 

Danny Tanner’s Warm, Fuzzy Messages For Mischievous Toddlers

Our Family’s Dreidel Game Is Nothing Like Squid Game

A Geriatric Millennial Journals Her Geriatric Pregnancy

Children, Please Join Me for a Press Conference Regarding Tonight’s Dinner

2 Ho Ho Hos (Seasonal Holiday Satire)

I, Joe Manchin, Have Tried Everything Humanly Possible To Understand Why I Should Support A Better Health Care System For Your Grandma Right Before Christmas
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